THE WEEKLY MOOOOOOS!!!!!

A Moospaper

Hellooooooooo, questies! Welcome to...... THE WEEKLY MOOOOOOS!!!!! (Applause) Turns out you were lucky enough to catch a copy of a limited edition paper! This is a newspaper only available at your very own Blackwell Elementary! You'll uncover the latest breaking news, only available right here! Remember, RECYCLE this paper so that you don’t lose your news subscription…

Giant Spiders Take Over Washington!

Most of us have seen a spider, and most likely stepped on one. However, you probably won't be able to step on these invaders! These arachnids are a record 23 feet high on average! They have giant fangs, which they use for injecting venom into their prey. These ground dwelling spiders don't usually make webs, but some species make large, invisible nets used for catching small planes at a low altitude. Your best chance of survival is staying away from bathrooms, their natural breeding ground. One sign of these eight-legged monsters is glowing green glop that radiate heat. Stay away from this substance at all costs.
–Lego Ant, Reporter

Fingers Terrorize the Nation!

There's a high chance that you've chewed off your fingernails before. Wouldn't you be annoyed if giants kept chewing your face off? Well, now these little fingers have waged war on all mankind. Their method of attack is swinging up and then poking eyes. As the victim stumbles around blindly, the fingers open their mouths and get ready for lunch. Then they do all sorts of damage. A sure sign of these little monsters are little black eyes sprouting on your fingers. The best way to stay safe is to chop of your fingers, because then no harm can be done.
–Lego Ant Reporter

Coupons!

Buy 1 get 200
The original
INSTA-FAT Soup!
The unhealthiest soup you’ll ever find!
Only available at adamzon.com
-Lego Ant, Coupon Printer
270% off
The one and only
T-REX SOUP!!!
Only available at MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!
(Maanit’s marvelous, magical, magnificent, movable, mystical, misshapen, moist, moldy, miraculous, meaningless, medieval, modern, marine, Martian market)
-Lego Ant, Coupon Printer

Jokes

What’s a fruit’s favorite company? Apple!
What is a pie’s favorite volcano?
Mt. Baker!
What’s a moose’s favorite type of facial hair?
A moose-stache!
What’s a bunny’s favorite body part?
It’s hare (hair)!
What’s a beaver’s favorite name?
A-dam (Adam)!
What’s a finger’s favorite type of food? (This one’s obvious… think “finger” and “food” “Finger food”) The answer is… humans. If you got finger food, you haven’t read the second article. (Yes, I know that’s a very very very very very very etc. bad joke)
-Lego Ant, Not Very Funny Comedian

Cow fun facts!

-Cows pollute as much as 4 tons of CO2 each year.
-A group of 12 or more cows is called a "flunk"
-You are more likely to get attacked by a cow then a shark
-You can't lead a cow down stairs
-Lego Ant, Cow Studier

An interview with... Bob the Alien!

M: What is your favorite food?
B: Gkhgolhl.
M: What does that mean?
B: Zdfggggfzgz.
M: I have no idea what that is either.
Oh wait, you probably can’t understand me.
So if I say this, you won’t care.
{deleted}
Wait a second, why are you taking your skin off?
Wait, that’s a costume?
YOU’RE A HUMAN?!
That means you were faking the alien language, and that you understand what {deleted} means.
Uh oh.
(run away crazily)

W's Part

BOY WHACKS FACE ONTO GROUND WHILE TRYING TO DO A TRICK ON MONKEY BARS

W, 10, is not injured

“While trying to hang upside down on the monkey bars to show my friend Lego Ant how to do it, my hand slipped and I rocketed down, at astonishing speeds, onto the playground bark.” That is what W (W) told us right after it happened. While he is not hurt, he may have been laughed at by bystanders after he walked away. As I say this, you may be wondering where it happened. It was at lunch recess, on the small blue (seemingly harmless) monkey bars. 4 trees, 5 girls, 3 boys, and many blades of grass were witnesses.
By Bob MacBobberson

CHEN/DAY SPLIT CLASS IS TURNING OUT WELL

Well, at least, that’s what many people think. They can still see their friends at recess, math, and lunch, and everyone is fairly happy. Miss Chen handles the minority of the 4th graders from last year; only W, Sarah, Annie, Matthew, and Brendan; but it is turning out fine. Although many people are unsatisfied. W, 10, says that, even though he does like the split class more than not, “thirty-six kids in one class seems more happy and jolly than eighteen. I guess it just seems more cozy, more people in one room.” Others are slightly distressed as well. But still—success, success, success.

CIRCULATE HALVES!!

These easy-to-carry, $0.50 pieces are actually very nice coins. Think about those quarters in your pocket. They were made for circulation, as well as halves. So if these 50-cent pieces are actually made at the Philadelphia or Denver mint and intended for being used in everyday transactions, then why wouldn’t you want to spend them on that Tootsie Roll Pop that only costs $0.49? The thing is, everyone’s piggy bank should hold a variety of coins, including halves. They are just like the other coins, except, for some reason, no one wants to spend them. So if you are running, walking, biking, or rolling in a wheelchair, make that trip your one to go and exchange your quarters for halves at your local bank. But first, what you will want to do once you get the halves is check for silver. If your half dollar has a picture of Ben Franklin on the obverse (heads side), then your 50 cents is 90% silver. Those are worth about $8.50. But if your half dollar has a picture of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, your half dollar is only made of silver if it’s in the years 1964 (90% silver and $8.50) or 1965-1970 (40% silver and $4.00). Those are the ones you should keep. The other ones you can freely spend, putting them back into circulation.