The Wonderful Wizard of Gauze Aluminum was sitting on her Arkansas porch one day with her dog, Photo. She was contemplating how many floorboards there were, while Photo dreamed about more ink. It was peaceful, to say the least—there was only the sound of the hay bails and the cacti. The hay bails were called what they were because when anyone was bailing from planes because it had been taken over by the Wicked Witch of the West Wing, they would fall on the hay bails, which would break their fall. Aluminum got bored and decided to go inside for a diet Coke. She returned with some water. Aluminum had a few pigtails—I say ‘a few’ because she had more than twenty of the darned things hanging off her wretched, brainless head. That was how she got named Aluminum. Her parents died tragically, of course, `cos every story needs that, so now it was just her and Photo, living in Arkansas. They called it Arkansas because, to them, it was pronounced our-Kansas—mostly because they owned the entirety of it. It didn’t help that they only owned a few square miles, though. Aluminum drank her wate— I mean diet Coke and blinked. Aluminum was on a strict diet of water and Big Macs; so when she saw some slightly ominous clouds off in the distance, she grabbed her stash of the only food she could eat. The slightly ominous clouds turned out to be a tornado, which swept up Aluminum, aluminum, some photos, Photo, the house, the porch, the hay bails, and some of the cacti. It then pranced away to an unknown place on the Globe, dropping Aluminum and Photo there. When Aluminum could finally open her eyes, she saw blue stuff. She thought she was poisoned. But after she had laid there for a few hours, she saw some white stuff emerging and realized she was laying on her back, looking at the blue sky with a cloud in it. She consequently got up, and realized that the constant slurping she felt and heard was not hallucination, no, it was Photo licking her in hopes that she would notice. So Aluminum got up, looked around, and concluded they were in the middle of a desert. That is, until the dust from the tornado cleared and they saw a happy little circle of gnomes which were dancing and prancing around in a circular fashion, however there was nothing in the middle. The gnomes just kept dancing, as if they had a head filled with aluminum, too. Aluminum thought that the space in the circle had to be for something, as there was nothing except a sad weed with a singular dandelion growing in the center. So naturally, in this strange land, Aluminum stepped in the middle of the circle. The gnomes started singing. We’d like to see the wizard, The wonderful wizard of gauze— We’ve heard he’s a whiz A whiz of a wiz But we’re stuck here dancing along! Aluminum was astounded. “But where do I go to see the wonderful wizard of gauze?” Now that was the wrong question. Follow the lello brick rode— “I’d really rather not go through with this. But thank you, I suppose, for telling me where I can go to find the wonderful wizard of gauze.” So she and Photo went following the lello brick rode. Not terribly fast did they notice that yet another black cloud was arising in the distance. Aluminum was wheeling her Big Macs in a giant freezer while Photo was walking along, when they saw that something was ominously swooping in on them. The gnomes, in a very fast helicopter, shouted down to them that that was the Wicked Witch of the West Wing. The gnomes quickly flew back to their refuge and started dancing again. Which meant that Aluminum and Photo were now confronted with the hideous face of the Wicked Witch of the West Wing. She very kindly introduced herself, in normal fairytale custom, as it is normally polite for bad guys to introduce themselves. So she did. “I am the Wicked Witch of the West Wing.” “Yes, I know that.” Aluminum said politely. “I didn’t ask you. Anyway, I torture all the innocent children who dare enter the West Wing, with geography assessments and daily book reports and other horrible stuff. “But there isn’t any West Wing.” “I didn’t ask you. But what it is made of is oxygen bricks, stuck together with oxygen, and all the supplies there are oxygen.” “Oh. So you came all this way to tell me that?” “No. That should be obvious. I came here to turn all the trees into demonic slaves of mine and throw apples at you.” “Ah.” The Witch really didn’t like that conversation, but still turned the trees into demonic slaves because she was a sensible Witch. She then flew away, most likely to her palace in the sky. Aluminum thought that dehydration was the only thing that could make someone/something so evil; the Witch was a perfect example of that. That aside, Aluminum and Photo now had to face a few demonic trees. There was, of course, a clear path along the lello brick rode, which Aluminum and Photo could have easily followed. But since that would simply make the story too boring, Aluminum decided that she should fight them. But she didn’t know how. So she just stood there, with a puckered, intimidated face, thinking about how to stop the trees. ‘Stop’ shouldn’t have been the correct word there, because all the trees did were groan and throw apples at her. But since the trees’ main target was Aluminum’s head—and their intent was to give her a concussion—Aluminum’s head was made of, well, aluminum, so it really didn’t hurt her. Thus she waited until the trees ran out of apples, then picked a few up and put them in her Big Mac basket. She and Photo carried on. It was very bland out on the lello brick rode, mostly because the only thing that was in sight were trees, the lello bricks, and the occasional dog dropping. One hit Aluminum on the head. They were falling out of trees, the dogs, so Aluminum had to watch out. Quite a while later, they met a Tin Man who was missing his bone marrow. He had a heart, which Aluminum thought was odd, however he was missing his bone marrow. “If you have a heart and bones, why are you called a Tin Man?” The Tin Man, by the way, was just standing there, not leaning against anything, not really sleeping, just standing there with his eyes open. He was obviously contemplating something. “Because I’m made of tin, smarty.” “Then what are your bones made of?” “Tin.” “Your heart? “It’s actually a brick, but tin is as cold as a brick, so I just say ‘tin.’” “So why do you need bone marrow?” At this point, Photo was very bored of the conversation, because (1) a tin man is a very boring person being to talk to, and (2) what’s the point of chewing something up if there isn’t any bone marrow? “So what do you think you’re gonna do? Just walk along and carry on with your wretched lives? I’ve got places to go! Things to do! But I haven’t got any bone marrow!” “Well, can’t you walk without bone marrow?” “No, because I’m made of tin!” At this point, the argument was getting stupid. It might be worth mentioning that over thirty people had walked by the Tin Man before this, and each and every one of them didn’t help the Tin Man. “Well, how should I get you the bone marrow?” “I don’t know. Just come on an adventure with me and you may as well be satisfied.” Eventually Aluminum decided that the Tin Man needed bone marrow, so she took him on a magical journey. It wasn’t soon after they started walking along the lello brick rode that it struck Aluminum that the lello brick rode couldn’t possibly be the only way to the wizard of gauze. She consequently turned at a 91.423 degree angle, and started walking off the lello brick rode. The Tin Man mindlessly followed her. Aluminum heard the steady choppa of a helicopter, and the gnomes ominously told her “Never step off the trail…” However, Aluminum decided that the gnomes were wrong, and carried on at that 91.423 degree angle. She eventually stumbled upon a bloo brick rode. She wondered what that was all about. And instead of trees, there were lollipops carelessly strewn across the sides of the rode. Aluminum stepped onto it, and it jiggled. Usually roads (especially rodes) don’t jiggle, and Aluminum was at least smart enough to know that. So she naturally concluded that the rode was made of blue Jell-O©®™. And, like anyone else would do, she started walking down the road. The bloo brick rode turned out to not be boring at all. It was lively, with its candy canes and lollipops and ice cream. However, as Aluminum and the Tin Man and Photo were walking down the road, they all noticed that something wasn’t right about the bloo brick rode. The candy seemed like it was fake, and when Aluminum looked backwards, it seemed like the (candy) forest was closing in on them. Which is mostly why they got scared. But that really didn’t matter, because soon they saw a castle that was crooked and purple. A sign that said “FOR RENT” was lazily hammered onto the door. Another sign that said “TRIC OR TRET” was also lazily hammered onto the door, right below the other sign. Even though it was April 30th, the TRIC OR TRET sign was still there. There was also a pressed-penny machine that said “GET YOUR WITCH’S HOUSE PRESSED PENNIES HERE!” Neither Aluminum nor Photo nor the Tin Man could read, so they just carried on. Where, you ask? Directly through the door with the signs on it and into the Wicked Witch of the West Wing’s house. It was still 1:30, and school wasn’t over yet, so the house was deserted. When they walked into the house (or, rather, a castle), the entry room was very big. There were ripped banners and half-deflated balloons everywhere. One balloon reminded Aluminum of the paper she wrote entitled “The perfect equilibrium: Balloon.” The entry room had a big wooden arch to hold up the ceiling, while the walls slowly curved in an arc to meet the floor at the bottom. The wallpaper was like cadmium, like a mirror but not a mirror. Aluminum’s parents had taught her what to do at a time like this—stomp your feet and yell “ECHO!!” The echo bounced around rapidly across the whole castle, through the smallest chambers and through the hallways. Everything living in the castle heard it. Which, actually, turned out to be everything, from the tables to the magic mirrors, and the trashcans too. Everything inanimate came alive. But they couldn’t move. So that meant that Aluminum and Photo and the Tin Man could traverse the halls freely, which was a big relief to them. Since they had nothing else to do, they decided to try to get to the highest point. And since time flies in fairy tales, it was already 2:30 by the time they got to the top. And since it was Friday, that meant they Witch would be zipping in at any moment now. Ah, there she is, at 2:31. “Ah, what a good day at work today. I got to hear the screams of many children today, that’s for sure! Now for me to relax and…” It was at this point at which she smelled something. “I smell something. Like children and tin and ink.” Aluminum and her ‘pals’ were up at the highest peak of the tower, but there were windows, and they were jammed open, quite like bus windows on rainy days. Apparently the warts on the Witch’s nose helped her in smelling. Anyhow, the Witch carried on, plopping down her folders onto a desk and, actually, the desk bit her because strangely it was on Aluminum’s side. The Witch’s hand came off. She screamed. “ahhhhhhhh” was the only cry from her because witches really aren’t perturbed by much except children. Which, strangely, was what she was searching for right now. She stomped up the 23½ flights of stairs, and eventually came to the crooked tower that looked like a bent train whistle that Aluminum and her ‘pals’ were standing in. Since the space there wasn’t terribly large, and the Witch’s intentions weren’t terribly nice, the Tin Man had no choice but to bail out the window. As the Witch advanced, Aluminum and Photo both thought it would be a good idea to bail out the window, too. For a few seconds they looked like air climbers in reverse, all three of them, but then a few hay bails rolled by and they were all safe. The tornado had helped them, for once. They, of course, felt that the castle needed more exploring. Thus they went in, exploring a corridor they had never been down before. The Tin Man became aware (with his tin ears) that there was a voice coming from, and I quote: “Roundabout there.” There was a consensus on which ways to turn, and the voice got louder, even though they were just spiraling around in deeper circles. They eventually stumbled upon a storage closet, which, as they opened it, didn’t store much more than a scarecrow. “With a capital ‘S,’ please,” he said kindly. “WAH!” everyone else except the Witch said in unison. “I didn’t know a scarecrow could talk.” “I still need my bone marrow. This really isn’t helping. “ARF.” The Scarecrow was sitting in the closet, slumped and depressed-looking. “I need some lungs.” The Scarecrow had obviously been sitting in this closet for years on end, because he was dust and coughing. He took out an inhaler. “SHHHSKKKK—howdy.” Aluminum thought that, if they had already a Tin Man on their trip to the wizard of gauze, they really might as well have a Scarecrow, too. It was still a useless mission, nevertheless. “So I need to find some spare lungs and spare bone marrow. I really have no use arguing with you because you must be as stubborn as the Tin Man.” “True.” Said the Tin Man. However, the Scarecrow was actually very timid and friendly. “Well, I’d really like to get going. Not having lungs is a very big problem.” “We may as well.” The Tin Man said, probably for the 7th time in this entire trip. His stubbornness was surely wearing off. Speaking of ‘off,’ soon they were off, going backwards on the bloo brick rode, and soon on the lello brick rode. The Wicked Witch of the West Wing, however, was still at the top of the tower. She had very slow reflexes. And for some reason, she really hated Aluminum and her ‘pals.’ Sooner or later Aluminum, Photo, the Tin Man, and the Scarecrow were trekking along the lello brick rode, hope diminishing that they would ever make it to the wonderful wizard of gauze’s rumored castle. Apparently he had a castle, which was made of red bricks and hay and twigs. It took the shape of three houses, mushed together. At least, that was what the Scarecrow said, because apparently he had been to the castle himself. “That Witch is a bad one.” He said quite randomly, when they had been walking in silence, only interrupted by the occasional dog dropping. “Yeah.” Aluminum said with a sigh. The Scarecrow was really hoping for more than that—he was hoping to start a conversation. What was the use of getting out of that storage closet other than to talk with people? He noticed that Aluminum was pressing madly on a rectangular thingy, which looked like it was made of her name. He wondered what that was. A few long hours later, a small voice (owned by the Tin Man) uttered a small suggestion of “I’m hungry.” Aluminum was always glad to help someone, so she kindly suggested, “Would you like some water and a Big Mac?” The Tin Man obliged, and actually so did everyone else. She also gave an apple to Photo and the Scarecrow. “Do any of you have the slightest idea what that is?” he said. “No.” everyone else said in unison. And for some reason, everyone ran up to it, like sailors at the first sight of land. It turned out to be an intersection, which was quite odd for Aluminum and the Scarecrow because they had never seen any sign of life other than their own family before that. There were many cars and other collages of metal with motors going through the intersection. It was a paved road, asphalt and black, but none of the cars seemed to have any interest in going anywhere but forward. The lello brick rode was on the other side of the intersection, but there was one thing that caught the Scarecrow’s attention. “Look! It’s the three smallish pigs!” The ‘three smallish pigs’ were, in fact, there, but they were on the corner of the intersection, holding a sign saying “howdy give us moolah” and huddled under a blanket. The Scarecrow, not knowing these were piggy panhandlers, walked up to them and said, “But can’t you live in the brick house one of you made?” “Nah. The wonderful wizard of gauze stole our houses and made a castle out of them. So we have nowhere to live.” “How long have you been like this?” the Scarecrow inqured. “A few days.” “But since the wizard took your houses, why don’t you just live with him?” “Because he’s big and scary.” “Really.” “Yeah.” “Actually, we’ve heard about you. Didn’t you have your lungs stolen?” “Yeah. What can you tell me about that? You seem like an expert on the subject.” Aluminum and Photo and the Tin Man were still at the other side of the intersection, eavesdropping. Aluminum thought the pigs were sketchy. “Well, we don’t exactly remember how exactly we got our houses stolen, so don’t expect us to know how exactly your lungs got stolen.” “Come to think of it, I don’t exactly remember how my lungs got stolen, either.” The Tin Man thought this was quite odd. He didn’t remember how his bone marrow went away, either. The simple thought that it was stolen was a new one for him. So he went over, almost got hit by a motorcyclist because he didn’t look left, and added his two cents to the conversation. “My bone marrow probably got stolen, too.” The pigs gave him a derpy look that said, ‘that’s real nice, buddy. As if we didn’t know.’ “We think the problem here is not that everyone is having stuff stolen, it’s that we don’t know who it is.” The pigs had gotten good detective training from when they were investigating if the wolf had in fact blew their houses down. “So what do we do? My lungs and the Tin Man’s bone marrow won’t come to us by themselves.” It was then that the Tin Man noticed the most obvious thing about it. “Why does the wonderful wizard of gauze have his castle made of twigs, hay, and red bricks?” “That sounds like our houses.” “I know. That’s the point. We may as well go to the wizard of gauze for your houses, because at least we’re fixing something.” “Okay. Now, we suppose…” And that was how the three smallish pigs joined Aluminum, the Scarecrow, Photo, and the Tin Man on their journey on the lello brick rode to the wonderful wizard of gauze. Equipped with their latest information, they set off on the lello brick rode, getting closer to the wizard of gauze by the second. The three smallish pigs wondered what Aluminum was holding, too. They thought it was suspicious, so they smacked it clean out of her hands, making it fall into a nearby sewage vent. Aluminum didn’t seem fazed. “Are we there yet?” “You’re the brat with 23 pigtails hanging off your wretched scalp.” The pigs said. They weren’t exactly in the best of moods, either. “I think we’re finally here.” The Scarecrow said, since he had been contemplating in silence. Everyone ran up to it, mostly because it looked really cool. It looked like three houses, mushed together. “See, what did we tell you guys? The wizard stole our houses!” What the pigs said was not doubted.
“Okay, fine. Jeez. So we have found the wizard and killed him. So what? Now what do we do?” Aluminum stared up at the billowing white clouds. “Our mini-adventure is over!” “Yeah, that’s a good thing, remember?” One of the Pigs told Aluminum. “We wanted our body parts back, and guess what? We do! So now we can go back to living our old life.” “But our old life was boring! Sitting around and eating Nutella for hours on end was not my idea of fun. But now that we have followed the lello brick rode, gone to Russia and back, and killed the wizard with a shovel, well—“ “Fine. Go back on the lello brick rode and tell the gnomes about your problems. You know, the ones at the town square of that small town. Go and tell them that you have killed the wizard.” “Sure.” Aluminum walked back down the lello brick rode, looking down at her curled, elf-like shoes and wondering what the next adventure would be. The Pigs, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man were all glad she was gone. “I never liked main characters anyway.” The Tin Man said. The other non-ma in characters nodded. Meanwhile, Aluminum was lonesomely walking down the lello brick rode and wondering what would happen to her. When she reached the Gnome Town town square, she told the gnomes all about how she found the Tin Man and the Scarecrow and the Pigs, “and then were shot out of a cannon to Russia and back and then we gored the wizard of gauze to death with a rusty shovel.” The ;-; expression came across the gnomes’ faces. Immediately, they burst into conversation. “She killed the wizard of gauze! We must ship her off to someplace where she will be quarantined! We must not let that happen again!” “But where, Sire?” “Antarctica? It’s freezing cold there.” “No.” “What about Africa? She would get Ebola and die a gruesome death.” “I don’t see how an organism that looks like spaghet more than anything else would cause harm to a cereal killer like her.” “Cereal killer? She killed the wizard, not a box of Frooty Piblets.” “Nice job changing the subject.” “I wasn’t trying to change the subject!” “Really? Then why did you do it then?” “I was just trying to point out your error!” “I never make errors!” “Yes you do!” “No, I don’t!” “Well, you just did!” “No, I didn’t!” Aluminum was slowly walking away from the gnomes, slowly slithering past the gate to Gnome Town, slithering past the guards… Now she just had to find a way to get to someplace other than where she was currently. There was only one problem with that. She didn’t know where she was currently. “Pfft, fine, guess I’ll just follow the signs to the airport,” Aluminum said to everyone and no one at the same time. On a signpost there were a few signs, the most notable of the quadruple the sign that said “AROIPRT.” Aluminum figured ‘aroiprt’ was close enough to ‘airport.’ Aluminum then saw that said aroiprt was 11¼ miles away, and decided to go inside the nearby GnomeCycle© shop that was on the corner of Gnome Town town square. Aluminum bumbled inside. “Hello, I’d like a multi-gear tricycle.” The man behind the counter was the green cucumber pencil on the wall of the EMS commons. “Oh, of course. We have the model 2.3 TriGear, with a downhill, uphill, and straightaway gear. We also have the model ??? TryCicle, with triangular wheels and no gears. However, it is good if you want to go nowhere in a short amount of time. It also only costs $2.” Aluminum wasn’t listening to anything the green cucumber pencil said, but the moment she heard the $2 part she said, “Yes, I think I’ll take that one.” “Would you like insurance on it? It’ll only cost around 50 cents.” “Yeah, sure, why not?” Soon Aluminum brought her shiny brand new model ??? TryCicle with triangular wheels and no gears outside of the GnomeCycle© shop and into the yellow sun of the potential-filled Tuesday in Gnome Town. She hopped on the tricycle and rode off. Eventually Aluminum arrived at the Gnome Town airport. At the entrance to the parking lot, she had some trouble with the gate; as she was not in a car, she was on a tricycle with triangle wheels and no gears. Aluminum consequently went over to the little box where a person was sitting at a computer watching Roblox videos. Next to that computer were some black-and-white convex screens that showed cars driving by. The security guy was paying no attention to them. “Hello, Mr. Security Guy, I don’t have a car, may you please let me in?” “Where will you park?” The security guy was still watching the Roblox videos. “On one of those spaces that are blocked off by a obscure layer of orange plastic that apparently are under construction but I sure as hell don’t see any cranes there.” “Oh. What airline are you?” “Beg pardon?” “Airline. It’s the brand of airplane. Of course, the type of the airplanes are all the same, but the paint on them is different. All the flight attendants at United have brass knuckles on their belts and Delta has these weird Biscotti things that taste like gravel.” “So why would anyone fly Delta?” “It has a cool name.” “Pfft. Oh.” “So, what airline are you?” “I plan to buy my ticket inside the airport. Lemme in.” “Uhh, you can’t do that, ma’am.” “Let’s see you try and stop me.” The security guy, still hopelessly immersed in his Roblox video, sighed. “Fine. Just don’t cause any trouble.” Aluminum pompously strode through the gate that had been whacked to shreds with her trusty shovel, with her tricycle slung over her shoulder and her solid-black shoes contrasting in the autumn light. It took less than 30 seconds for Aluminum to find a parking space, as half of the visible first, second, third, fourth, and fifth floors of the parking complex was blocked off with orange plastic—and she sure as hell didn’t see any cranes, let alone CAT machines. Aluminum parked her tricycle, then decided that she would probably need it on the plane flight sometime and decided to take it with her as a carry-on or something. She rolled (although it was more like clunked) her tricycle up the ramp to the elevator, waited for it, went down to floor 3, walked three laps around the entire parking floor, realized the skybridge wasn’t on floor 3, went up to floor 5, walked more laps around that floor, then finally realized that the stupid skybridge was on floor 4, went down to floor 4, got stuck in the automatic door, waited 30 minutes for a custodian to un-stuck her, walked across the skybridge, remembered she forgot her tricycle at floor 5, went back in the stupid elevator, got the tricycle, went back into the stupid elevator, went across the skybridge, got stuck in the other stupid elevator at the other end of the skybridge, somehow made it down to the ticket place, then looked back at this and realized that this sentence is a grand total of 151 words. Aluminum then filed a complaint about the stupid elevators. Because she had no ticket and no airline, Aluminum went over to the little checker booth that said “Airplane Airlines.” She had lost her sanity completely, so was kind of a fright to the person in the little checker booth. “Hello, how may I help you?” “Oh, me? I’d like to get a ticket. Yes, I have a carry-on or whatever you call them. It’s a tricycle. And please make it quick. I have green fire fuel with a picture of some guy on it if you need it.” “Um, okay…” Aluminum nodded. “Sooooo…” Aluminum nodded again. “Alright, give me that fire fuel or whatever you call it. Where are you going?” “Anywhere but here. Preferably on the other side of the world.” “So Kyrgyzstan then.” “Yeah, I guess. Just gimme the ticket.” Aluminum handed over two $100 bills. The person in the little booth handed over a ticket from “here” to “Kyrgyzstan.” The flight boarded at 3:25 PM. Aluminum looked at the clock. It was 5:47 PM. “For f*@#’s sake, I’m not that stupid.” Aluminum was reaching the end of her rope. The person in the little booth rolled their eyes and gave Aluminum a ticket that boarded at 7:00. Now, this next part, me as the documenter of Aluminum’s life, decided to skip this next part where Aluminum goes through security and to her gate (which, by the way, was C4) because nothing really happens. Aluminum gets enraged, sure, and, well, I’m sparing you. The speaker at the airport blared that “GATE C4 IS BOARDING. YES, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT, C4 IS BOARDING. NO, GATE C5 IS NOT BOARDING, GATE C4 IS BOARDING. YES, THE BAGELS ARE FREE. YES, THE TOILET WATER IS DRINKABLE. NO, I WON’T STOP TALKING. YES, YOU ARE DUMB TO BE LISTENING TO THIS FOR THIS LON--” Aluminum, leaned up against her tricycle with four free bagels stuffed in her mouth, made a noise along the lines of “mmf?” and then “omf.” She shoved the bagels down her throat with the comb she found stuck in her hair, then picked up her tricycle and went over to get some more free bagels. Since she was row 21?, she had some time to spare. After returning to gate C4 with her free bagels, Aluminum was seated quickly and her tricycle was to be put directly over her seat, in the little carry-on binny thingy. She was not seated next to anyone, as this was a fairly empty flight. The little lights going down the aisles blinked for a few minutes as the flight attendants told everyone where the emergency exits were (even though there was a sign that said “EMERGENCY EXIT” on the door to the emergency exit), told everyone how to buckle their seatbelts, told everyone how to hang on to the back of the seat if there was a plane crash, etc. etc. etc. Airplane flight attendant jibber-jabber was very easy to listen to. You just had to let it in one ear and out the other. Eventually, slowly but surely, the plane lifted off the ground, with all the cars and houses of Gnome Town and the airport slowly going smaller. Aluminum remembered a book she had read where the main character loved flying because he loved seeing the cars and trees and roads slowly going smaller and smaller, and looking like toys they could just reach down and pick up. What baloney and complete lies that was. The windows aren’t even open. Also, it didn’t help that Aluminum had an aisle seat. The plane kept climbing, and sure enough, since her flight was Delta, Aluminum was served these Biscotti thingies that tasted like gravel. It was in an innocent red wrapper, and was labeled “Europe’s Favorite Cookie with Coffee.” Aluminum had never been to Europe, and she was too young to drink coffee. In Europe, she assumed, they must drink coffee more often and fly Delta more often. Eventually, the plane reached 30,000 feet and stopped there, contradicting Delta’s slogan, “Keep Climbing.” The clicking of the on button of mobile devices commenced as all the obese passengers got out their tablets and laptops and all the old ones got out their phones to play Candy Crush Saga. Aluminum got out her copy of The Weekly Nooz that she had bought at the airport. “Hmm, let’s see here, who got kicked out of the white house today?” Aluminum mumbled to herself. After a few uneventful hours had passed, with Aluminum just reading The Weekly Nooz and the old people on the plane playing Candy Crush Saga. Then the incident happened. The person who was giving the airplane food machine gas dropped the gas can. Now, this wouldn’t have been much of a problem if there wasn’t a heap of spilled fluorine, nitrogen, bromine, sulfur, and astatine on the airplane floor. Needless to say, it wasn’t pretty. The gas reacted with the fluorine, bromine, and nitrogen, while the sulfur was making a terrible smell, while the astatine was doing all that except also rapidly radioactively decaying, giving a terrible dose of radiation to everyone on the plane and also lighting the plane on fire. The plane engine sputtered to a stop, and the plane slowly turned over and plummeted toward the ground. Now, this all happened in roughly three seconds, and also luckily Aluminum knew what to do in this situation. Since she had been paying attention to the flight attendant, she knew that there was a life jacket under the seat. She grabbed it, pushed past the frantically waddling obese passengers toward somewhere, put her lifejacket on, grabbed one of the obese people, and jumped out of the plane through the emergency shaft. What happened next really wasn’t pretty. Since falling with her was an unsuspecting obese woman with a gigantic butt, since Aluminum was the main character of the story and therefore got first priority over life, she grabbed the obese woman with the gigantic butt and threw her under herself. Now they were falling with Aluminum directly over the obese woman. A few minutes of falling (and “hey, where’s my wi-fi? i’ d like to play Trivia Trance!”), the ground came. Now, since Lifejacket Aluminum was conveniently positioned right over a huge cushion of meat, all she had to do was to maneuver herself so she didn’t get splattered by all the blood. When the obese woman hit the ground, she did bounce for a split second, enough to cushion Aluminum, but then she popped like a tick and splattered blood all over the ground. Of course, Aluminum landed safely. I wouldn’t want to kill off the main character this early… Aluminum got up from the ground with her TryCicle conveniently located right next to her, probably dropped from the plane so that it wouldn’t plummet as fast. She hopped up onto it, put her feet on the pedals, and started riding towards the nearest tree. Trees meant that there were more trees around, and that meant that there was at least a small town there. Later, once she had found an entire grove of trees, she spied a single house immersed in the trees. She wandered towards it. Eventually Aluminum finally came across the house, after being stuck in the woods for hours on end. She was hungry, too. There were lights on in the house, so she knocked on the door to the house, hoping that there was someone there. Even though she only knocked lightly, the knock made a big WHAM!